"Oneliners"
If you want the world to beat a path to your door,
just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but
by the things you have for which you would not
take money.
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
Is your holier side your altar ego?
I need someone to refresh my memory. How many
cars are allowed through an intersection after the
light turns red? Is it three or five?
What's dumber, expecting educators to be
entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be
educational?
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
He has a heart of gold -- and teeth to match.
He gives his conscience a lot of credit that belongs
to his cold feet.
Doctor: "What are you taking for your cold?"
Patient: "I don't know. What will you give me?"
He's so lazy, he doesn't walk in his sleep -- he hitchhikes.
Marty the mason had a way with words. He invented
a square bathtub, which he said eliminated the ring.
Top secret: Another name for toupee.
A man seldom makes the same mistake twice. Generally,
it's three times or more.
Last night I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Yesterday's stress is past tense.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky
to have them.
You know you're getting old when you're more
attractive hanging upside down.
All I ever wanted was an unfair advantage.
Eminent domain is just a fancy name for government
theft.
If I knew then what I know now . . . "now" would be
a whole lot better.
Outcome has a lot to do with income.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but
not for good.
Whenever you're losing an argument, just talk louder.
I wonder why black olives come in cans and green
olives come in jars.
Some folks are so eager to find fault, you'd think there's
a reward.
I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what
I would have smelled like.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it
very often.
I wish my mouth had a backspace key.
I either want less corruption or more chances to
participate in it.
Smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to
quit smoking kill people.
Many great discoveries are made by not following
instructions.
The older I get, the better I was.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
Bad breath is better than no breath at all.
A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise
when opportunity knocks.
When in doubt. . . mumble.
This land is your land. This land is my land . . . so stay
on your land.
Those who want to learn listen; those who know it
all interrupt.
